Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Close to Me

Several weeks ago I began to feel the chaos set in again - my daily pace was becoming frantic as the anxiety began to permeate. Even though I don't feel "sad", I have learned to recognize these feelings as harbingers of depression. I realized that when BB was napping, I was cleaning or doing laundry, and when I wasn't at home caring for BB and the house, I was working, trying to serve my patients lovingly while optimizing their health. Trying to find time to work out has been challenging and I was feeling discouraged about my body. I remembered the days when I could get up and get a glass of water anytime I wanted and wondered how I felt so busy then when I could do anything anytime I wanted.

That weekend, the Lord knew just what I needed - I spent the afternoon with my little family at an outdoor wedding reception in beautiful weather, socializing as a family and taking BB on the dance floor for the first time. A social event that might normally make me feel ready for a nap was actually revitalizing. That night was a girl's night out - I drove away from the house feeling free, windows down and music up, grateful that J was enjoying a boys night in with BB. He was safe at home with his daddy and I was free to...anything! I had dinner with friends and after dinner we walked around the outdoor mall, debating continuing the evening. I was excited by any suggestion, and laughed when I realized I was just so excited I had the option to do any of it. The next day, I felt peaceful inside again. The anxiety was gone.

Driving to Target alone the other evening, I felt that same lightness of being (to borrow a phrase), a freedom that felt satisfying only because it was temporary.

Speaking with my sister-in-law recently we discussed "me time" and how as a mommy, it can be hard to come by.

In the afternoon I danced in the living room with BB, tears sliding down my cheeks as I sang "Wildflower" and realized how much I meant the words for him.
"You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free"

This hope and anticipation and delight is even harder to come by.
He belongs close to me, and it's so worth it.

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