Failure. A fear that weaves it's way in and out of my life fairly consistently and gave me a slight panic attack at Lowe's as J was ready to purchase the blocks for the garden wall (here in AZ, you have more success with gardening if you build up, due to the caliche). As I ran out of Lowe's he had to explain to the workers that he would have come back for the blocks that they were about to load into our Element "because the baby needs to go home". The baby being me, of course. I just get nervous with commitment, especially commitment that involves time and money and possible failure.
BUT I really wanted a garden and J knew that, so once he discovered that my hesitance was all centered around my fear of the ominous failure, he pointed out that it was okay if I failed because we could try again next year or put flowers in the garden, and also that spending money is what is going to get the country out of a recession (in response to "should we really be spending money on this right now?") - what calm, sensible points and suggestions. And then he dropped me and BB off and went back to Lowe's to get the blocks. And yes, I know how lucky I am.
Well after that little window into my psychosis, here are some photos of the process. I loved going to Home Depot and picking out plants that are things that I actually use when I cook, like basil and parsley and tomatoes and bell peppers!
And I love going out and watering each morning. And today I L-O-V-E-D seeing little sprouts in place of the empty soil where we had embedded zucchini and cucumber seeds. Leaves popping out of the ground where there was emptiness! Did you all know that plants grow from seeds? Little bitty seeds? They turn into plants, people! Revelation!
(Yes, I did go to elementary school, but it's a magical thing to be a part of!)
I am already imagining BB monitoring the growth of the plants and marveling over the leaves and vegetables that bloom from fingernail-sized promises we bury in the ground. My nieces have already taken turns helping me water. I love the learning I am imagining taking place in all of their little minds, and the wonder happening in mine.